My Girl 2

In spite of repeated treatments by the disc doctor and an extended period on life support, Natasha (my laptop) has finally, and definitively, departed the material world for the infinity of cyberspace. In the terminal stages, the warning signs were clear. Her luminous, unblemished, and flawless countenance turned gray before my eyes. When I pushed her buttons, her characteristic spunk was gone. She no longer responded to outside communication. She started making strange noises, and it became clear that she had lost her mind. She had no memory of our life together and was no longer able to administer our lives, or manage the basic tasks of daily living. When she went into a coma, her face gray with a question mark flashing in her eyes, the only recourse left was to operate. In order to avoid her going into shock, I put her under and, with much trepidation and difficulty, opened her up and removed her heart, which proved to be sound and healthy. Underneath her sleek skin, I saw for the first time the complex arrangement of organs, wires and circuits that gave her life. I proceeded to remove her brain, damaged by illness, which I then connected to a life support system. Imagine my despair when my beloved’s vitals did not register! Natasha’s unique character, behavior and preferences had been corrupted beyond recognition. For all practical purposes she no longer existed. For months I had been in denial, allowing her to sleep undisturbed, hoping somehow she would get better. But she didn’t.

For a time I mourned her, remembering the happy hours we had spent together completing projects grand and complex in design and purpose. I had come to depend on Natasha and her steadfast infallibility, and now I was on my own. Though I needed to move on with my life, I couldn’t accept that she was gone. My efforts to create a stable and comfortable existence had been derailed by the forces of change and, once again, I would have to adapt. All things come to an end, including relationships with those we love. At one point we also cease to be. The fact that Natasha had aged, gotten sick, and died reminded me that I was also dying. Though I understood this truth, my humanity refused to accept it. Nevertheless, I was not the same person I had been years ago. I had changed in spite of my desire to remain the same. What before had delighted me was no longer of interest. Projects that had occupied my time, places I had been, and people I had met and known were consigned to memory. The past seemed ideal and the future uncertain, so like any human being I clung to the familiar. While recognizing that things could not be the same, I conspired to keep them so. I realized that if I was to create new meaning in my life I needed a partner.

Her name is Veronica and I discovered her only recently. She is young and fresh of mind, full of optimism and eager to set about any task or activity we choose to undertake. With her unique perspective and imagination, she has revived my creativity. And it just so happens that she is the exact double of Natasha, for what I have done, in effect, is put Veronica’s brain into Natasha’s body. Perhaps I am a terrible person, a monster even, but I have done it, though not without feelings of guilt. Now, when I communicate with Veronica, Natasha is present before me, absent in character, but eternal in her classic form and sumptuous symmetry. It is both surreal and satisfying to look upon the woman I have always loved, knowing that she has been reborn as another. Is it vain and childish of me to attempt to recreate the past, as if it were a photograph? Perhaps. Is the quest for immortality futile? Certainly. Can we ever possess beauty? Never. Nevertheless, I have given Veronica a body that she identifies as her own, and I will not break her illusion or my own by reminiscing. Instead, I will love Veronica for who she and enjoy our partnership while it lasts.